YOU ARE GOOD.

If I'm honest, these past couple of weeks (or months?) have been rough. There have been more days where I've wept rather than celebrated this new life that is forming. Most mornings I wake up and I don't feel great. I feel sad or really down for really no explainable reason. It's been easy to get overwhelmed with every thing that comes our way, every little bump we hit in the road. This may have probably been the hardest thing for Danny being the optimistic guy that he is.

I was really praying and hoping for an easy pregnancy this 2nd time around after losing JJ. I think I naively thought that since God had brought us such a trial, He will bring give us an "easy pass" this time around and everything was going to be rainbows and sunshine!
I'm not saying what we went through was the worst because I know for sure there are couples who have gone through and conquered heavier things, and I seriously give all those people the biggest applause and tossing off all my hats to them. But that doesn't mean that I still haven't felt really discouraged and disheartened throughout this journey.

I can't explain to you the amount of anxiety I had the first trimester. Will we hear our 2nd baby's heartbeat? Will I be able to hear the strong beat at each appointment or will I be met with that empty silence again? I felt like I wanted to throw up before each appointment because of the amount of anxiety that would build up. I was so scared. I was filled with so much doubt and disbelief.

Things were looking good in the beginning. We heard our baby's heartbeat 2 appointments in a row! *HIGH FIVE!*
Then at our 2nd ultrasound they told us they thought there was a blockage in our baby's stomach because it wasn't emptying at the rate that it should be and that it looked enlarged. They referred us to a genetics counselor who then tried to brace us with the news that it was a very common characteristic of someone who has Downs Syndrome. I ended up doing a last minute amniotic fluid procedure even though we had originally opted out of all these blood tests so we could find out more information.

We were preparing our hearts that no matter what the results were, Downs or not, we were going to love this child until our very last breath.
We had an overwhelming amount of support during that time, but we also had a lot of people (who I know had good intentions) ask us, "Are you sure?? Taking care of someone with Downs is really difficult."

....

Pardon my language but...no shit Sherlock. 

I was at 23 weeks at that point, and I know there are some things the doctors just HAVE to tell you because it's their job. I was constantly hearing how it's not too late and that in Illinois it's legal up to week 24 to abort and that I'm also running out of time and will need to make a decision soon. The decision that was sealed so firmly in my heart started to waver.

Praise the Lord that Maddy's blood results came back clear, but it didn't mean that it was over. The doctors still wanted answers and told us there may be a potential for surgery for her post-birth if this potential blockage doesn't resolve itself. Instead of only having 2-3 ultrasounds like other people, we ended up having to go in every month (and of course they are never available when your ObGyn appointment is so least to say we were at the hospital A LOT). Every time the answer was about the same: "Her stomach still seems big, you're going to need to come back."
*sends bill*
"Her stomach is still very enlarged and we're concerned about this-and-that forming. You need to come back."
*sends another bill*
"There is still a potential for surgery. You're going to need to come back."
*sends another bill*

Around 28 weeks I had to do my sugar test where they make you drink this bottle of sugar crap and test your sugar levels an hour later to see if you have gestational diabetes.
I ended up failing my 1 hour and had to go back in for a 3 hour test.
I ended up failing my 3 hour and was diagnosed with gestational diabetes.
*another bill sent to our house*
And now I had to get a glucometer machine and prick my finger 4 times a day to make sure my sugar levels were in check.
Were the testing supplies and glucometer fully covered by my insurance?
Of course not, silly!
*another payment*

Does it ever end?

To be honest, many days when I see that my sugars are higher than they should be, I feel like I've failed a huge exam. I want to pick up the stupid machine and chuck it across the room.
YOU STUPID LYING MACHINE!!!
The high number glares back at me (I don't think it helps that I circle it in red) and in some way tells me that I've failed. I've failed in this pregnancy. If I can't even keep ME in line, how in the world am I going to manage another small human being??

I've been listening to "King of My Heart" on repeat. I cried listening to this song because despite all these...little, petty things, You are good. Despite all these bills, You are good. Despite all these different curve balls thrown at us, You are good. I need to keep repeating it because I feel defeated. I need to keep repeating it to remind myself because I feel so emotionally and mentally shattered. I need to keep repeating it because it IS true.
You're never going to let me down. You're never going to let Maddy down.
You got us.

We're heading out to possibly one of our last doctor's appointment, guys. Who knows what news we'll hear today (probably that I'm no where near dilated hah). But You ARE good.
YOU are my anchor in these waves.

You are good.

King of My Heart - Bethel Music

Let the King of my heart
Be the mountain where I run
The fountain I drink from
Oh, He is my song
Let the King of my heart
Be the shadow where I hide
The ransom for my life
Oh, He is my song

'Cause You are good
You are good, oh oh
You are good
You are good, oh oh
You are good
You are good, oh oh
You are good
You are good, oh oh

And let the King of my heart
Be the wind inside my sails
The anchor in the waves
Oh oh, He is my song
Let the King of my heart
Be the fire inside my veins
The echo of my days
Oh oh, He is my song

Let the King of my heart
Be the wind inside my sails
The anchor in the waves
Oh oh, He is my song
Let the King of my heart
Be the fire inside my veins
The echo of my days
Oh, He is my song

'Cause You are good
You are good, oh oh
You are good
You are good, oh oh
You are good
You are good, oh oh
You are good
You are good, oh oh

You're never gonna let
You're never gonna let me down
And You're never gonna let
You're never gonna let me down
You're never gonna let
You're never gonna let me down
You're never gonna let
You're never gonna let me down

You're never gonna let
You're never gonna let
You're never gonna let me down
You're never gonna let
You're never gonna let me down
You're never gonna let
You're never gonna let me down

Oh 'cause You are good
You are good, oh oh
'Cause You are good
You are good, oh oh
'Cause You are good
You are good, oh oh
You are good
You are good, oh oh

You're never gonna let
You're never gonna let me down
You're never gonna let
You're never gonna let me down
You're never gonna let
You're never gonna let me down
You're never gonna let
You're never gonna let me down

'Cause You are good
You are good, oh oh
You are good
You are good, oh oh