Baby blues or postpartum depression isn’t something people talk about often. Maybe it’s the shame of admitting that you’re not okay and you’re not constantly over the moon over your newborn while you see other parents post picture after picture of their new wrinkly small baby. The questions I get most often nowadays are “How’s the baby doing?” or “How’s your baby sleeping at night?” Not many people actually ask you how you are doing. Not many people ask how are you and your spouse are doing (people say all the time how babies kill marriages). Not many people ask about your emotional/mental health. But guys, those questions are so important! Yes, exhaustion is a given but moms hormones are still raging and crashing and it. is. hard. It is even harder if you don’t have that much help either. Even if you do have help, IT’S STILL HARD!

I’ve been more vocal about sharing with people that postpartum depression is so real because you’ll be surprised with how many people struggle with it. Whether you experience it days postpartum, weeks later, or even months later, it’s real. And it’s hard. I struggled A LOT the first 3.5 months after Maddy’s birth. I cried constantly, I was sad, I was angry, I was filled with regret. There were many days I didn’t want to hold Maddy or play with her. Some days I would be lying on the couch with her on my chest and I wouldn’t move for several hours. I wouldn’t eat, I wouldn’t go to the bathroom, I wouldn’t be watching TV or reading even. I would just sit and stare. I thought a lot about packing a bag and leaving. Maybe for a little while, maybe for a long while. Every time Danny left for work, I would count down the minutes until he’d be back. It brings a lot of shame to have to admit to a lot of these things because I had wanted a child so badly and we have been blessed with such a beautiful gift but those first few months after she came, it was hard to admit that I felt any joy.

People don’t talk about these things. One mom told me once that she was seeing baby doll heads floating around her bathtub and right then she knew she needed to seek help. Why do so many moms always make it seem so easy? I guess that also shows how social media can be such a poison. A way that Satan uses lies to make it seem like everyone has it together except for you. That somehow you are the only one failing as a mother. That maybe if you feel this way, you were never meant to be a mother and this was a mistake. If that’s how you’re feeling, IT’S. NOT. TRUE. You are not failing. Motherhood is hard. And you are doing great. There are going to be hard days but you know what? There are also going to be A LOT OF GOOD DAYS.

7 months later, we have definitely come a long way. I love my daughter to pieces. This doesn’t mean that I still don’t struggle and have hard days and wrestle with myself. This journey has not only been learning about how to keep a tiny human alive but also learning to give myself grace. Learning how to be kind to myself, to allow others to be kind to me, and to love my child in the ways that she needs to be loved at the moment even if it’s hard and even if it is different than all the other kids out there. Reminding myself daily to not compare to other mamas and to not compare my child to other children because comparison is the thief of joy. So be kind to yourself, mama. And you know what? It’s okay to admit that you’re not okay. It’s okay and also important to seek help if you need it because a healthy mama is also the best kind of mama that can take care of the family.